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Trans Journal

November 7th 2004- So this is the start of my new website. I will be on T within a year, and within a year and a half to two years I will be having chest surgery.

I really like Browstein and Raphael's works ...

July 18th 2005- So I got my letter two weeks ago..  and Im so happy I finally got it. Im going to be starting T on the 22nd of July, which is in 4 days. A lot of things going through my mind as to what's going to happen after. I mean I know I'm just going to continue like I have been, but how will something like this effect things like my relationships and my family and my mental well-being? It's all so crazy really ...

August 11 2005- As of now I am on testosterone. I am currently taking 1/2 cc every two weeks, thats 100mg every two weeks. In one month I will do shots every ten days. I am not sure if I will increase my dose or not. But I am noticing voice drops, only slight ... and lots of body hair. My leg also kind of hurts where I got my shot yesterday. I will start updating more now that I am on T.

August 13 2005- I wrote this in my Livejournal and thought to put it here:

I feel lucky, really lucky. For a few reasons: 1. I have people who love and care about me and that are there for me through all of this. I dont often enough thank the people in my life but I feel as though I should. And I could write out their names each and everyone, but I wont. 2. I am able to actually do it. Right as of yet I have to pay for nothing. and thats amazing. Ive never been financially able to do much but this I can do. Some people cant transition for so many reasons but want to, and I am able to do this.

I guess these are some major thoughts on this all right now.

August 15th 2005- So some small updates ... things I'm noticing are: an increase in my libido, hardcore. Two weeks ago I had no sex drive; now it's different. I also am growing light hairs on my face and darker hairs on my upper thighs and the backs of my hands. I also am craving meat. And I'm hungry every two hours, which explains why people gain weight on T. I'm going to try and not let it get me. I don't notice much in the voice. But it hasnt been that long, so I guess we'll see. And that's all for now, I suppose.

September 2nd 2005- So lots of changing happening ...

This morning my voice took a dip ... and it's lower than before ...

Penal growth is happening and nobody told me that that's one of the first things that happens to you ... but there's a lot of sensitivity in that lower region; yesterday it took me twice as long to walk home from work.

My leg hair is dispersing itself and it's thicker, as is my arm hair..

With my voice box, it's almost like I can feel it growing sometimes ... odd really ...

At work I'm completely out as Trans in the bakery, and these women are really cool about it all ... they call me Charley and they call me he and everything ... and they are just really cool ...

For now this will be it, but I'm working on a bigger update for next Thursday.

September 9 2005- So it's one month now and things are getting there. Im not going to say everythings completely changed but thingshave changed nonetheless.. Ive found that in the last month, I've been happier than I have been in the last four years. And its a big step. Although, happy as I may be. I am moody. I've gotten into arguments with people out of the blue.

I've found that I'm much more introverted now, and really appreciate my space. Which often enough I dont get. But now I have my own place ... my own place I can call my own and that excites me so much, so I've found that I appreciate that space ...

With changes going on ...

My voice has dropped a lot. No one recognises me on the phone anymore. And it's very horse some times.

It does a wave kind of thing. But that's okay ... as long as it's lower than it started out!

There's hair growing in places ... my thighs are finally growing something on them ... my knuckles ... backs of my hands ... Then where I already had hair, it's growing in thicker ... and my sideburns are coming in thicker too, which is yet another exciting thing.

With acne, its actually not even that bad. Michael and I were taking note and I got lucky there, I suppose, but then again I've always had acne somewhat.

Umm, there is growth going on "down there" and it's kind of interesting ... umm, not so sensitive as a week ago but still not to where I can have sex or masturbate comfortably.

So I guess for now those are the big things happening ...

I'm happy with all of these ... it's steady ... and that's cool.

October 27th 2005- It's been a while since updating my changes I'm seeing but I honestly don't see the need to update every day ... I think it's better if it's between lengths. The voice is continuing to drop, more steadily this time, which makes me happy.

So my body is definitly changing. My hips are getting smaller. My belt i have to tighten more every day ... and I'm pretty sure the pants that were tight on me three months ago are now really loose.

My shirts are also fitting differently ... like my shoulders are widening, a little, and so the fit of them is different. In body hair ... I definitely have so much more of that ... so so much more ... like my kneecaps are growing goatees ... and my upper thighs are getting hair ... as well as my arms (which never reallly had hair at all).

Oh, and it's weird ... I just noticed this like yesterday... I definitly have a penis now ... well, something shaped like a penis. I was looking at it yesterday in awe. I was definitely sure I didn't have that a month ago. And it's not like, "Oh, it's gotten bigger." It's like, "Oh, I can look down and definitely notice it ... there's no missing it."

I've had sex twice since starting T, and I will say, masturbation and sex feel so much better now than pre-T. It takes a little longer now but feels so much better.

And aside from actually having sex ... I feel like I need more space from people lately ... like I dont want to be touched as much, in any kind of way. But I know that will eventually get better, and I think right now the best thing for me is space from all aspects of life.

I think it's good that I'm working as much as I am, because not only does it give me money and something to do but I feel productive, like I'm getting something done. And I'm also getting my space in that weird me kind of way.

Oh, and finally about my changes going on with me ... I smell like boy now. I sweat more and I smell different ... even my binder smells like boy ... and that's not necessarily a bad thing. But for the first time I can actually smell my own body odour if I have it ... it's weird.

I guess that's it for now.

November 9th 2005- So three months tommorow. wOw ...

I don't know if I feel like I'm being repetitive in all of these "I get excited about leg hair" posts. But it's helping me kinda get things tuned out.

In regards to all of the things that are happening to my body right now, there are a lot of the same changes. I have more hair than I know what to do with. I have two hairs on my chest area ... I'm not impressed ... and along with the chest hair, I also have acne on my chest ... not much but enough. And then there's leg hair and hair on my stomach coming in very nicely. I find myself having to shave more and more frequently but it's okay. It's more annoying kind of prickly hair but it's good. I can't wait to get full facial hair.

My libido has been all over the place. When I first started, it was up there, but things were so sensitive that I couldn't really do anything about it. And then it wasn't so sensitive but my libido wasnt super super high like it was at first. And now it's all like super high and there's no sensitivity. My question is, when do things normally stop growing? I'm not sure ... every time I check it's grown more. Hrm. It's really interesting.

My voice is dropping but it slowed down ... there aren't like huge jumps from week to week. It's much more steady, which is good, but then again, I feel like I've been ma'amed more since starting T than before. I find it cracking so so much now. Every other sentence is a cracked word or something like that.

My jaw has widened, and I don't have as much of a little double chin as before. My skin is a lot more rough ... er, firm, I suppose. I don't know where that came from, but it is. And oddly enough it's not as oily, definitly more dry.

As for my moods, I'm much more intoverted and moody lately. I don't mean to be but I am. I mean, I'm not like super grumpy all the time, but I like being in my room by myself with my music. And then I get lonely, and wonder why. I want to spend more time with friends, but really have no opportunity to. Money is something I dont have much of. I honestly think that if I were closer to Portland I would be going out a lot more than I do, but still. In any event, I'm back on my bipolar meds, and the very thought of swallowing pills makes me sick. I've never had a pill addiction or anything but I don't like swallowing pills. I guess this is the big stuff for now.

three months...wOw

December 23, 2005-

So Im noticing so much more body hair these days,, my thighs are covered in hair and my stomach is sprouting more and more everyday. I feel like a gorilla kind of. I discovered I have the ability to grow a mustache in two weeks time if I let it get there. I have to shave every two to three days. Its nice but Id like to grow sideburns too! those are coming in, in a thin line, nothing substantial enough to call sideburns. Which is sad really. And my hair line is starting to change.

my moods are much more stable these days. Although I work quite a bit so maybe I dont notice my moods because Im so darn tired. Although I am noticing that I cant tolerate groups as much as I used to be able to. I feel very claustrophoebic when Im in big groups, and I feel kind of nervous.

I guess these are the big changes. more updates as time goes on.

January 13, 2006-

So its a new year and Im now Five months on testosterone. Which is kind of exciting. The other day someone called from the Portland Press Herald and then I answered and he called me sir. Which almost made me creme my pants.. Im tellin ya'. My voice is starting to drop again. I made a clip update the other day. My moods are starting to taper off and Im less moody. But I have however developed a case of insomnia which kind of sucks, cus when I finally do nod off at night I have to wake up like two hours later and become tired. I think my insomnia is for two reasons.. 1. My metabolism is up. 2. I've been having bad or weired dreams lately and I dont like the feeling when I wake up, like someone has died or Ive lost something. So Im apprehensive about sleeping.

So in other news.. I've starting injecting in my butt. It hurts alot less, infact it doesnt hurt at all. Its quick and painless, but it bleeds, my leg never bled. I wonder if I started injecting in other places like my arm or something what kind of differnt changes I would be getting. Like would a patch of hair randomly start growing around where I do my shots? I dont want that.. that would be gross..

My Nana the other day, at church, gave me a hug and then says to me, "Have you been shaving?" I told her no, that shes just delusional.. the truth is, I need to tell her.. I need to tell her soon, because if I dont shes going to notice somethings up and then yell at me for not telling her. And it could go a number of different ways but Im pretty sure that when I tell her Ill get all mixed in my words and wont be able to truley say why I am taking testosterone.. I can never fully answer that question anyways.. I can never say why Im on it.. Theres a number of reasons.. not including ' because I want to become a man' and things like that. Testosterone makes me more comfortable with myself.. I like the effects its giving me,, like a lower voice, like my body structure changing, (btw I lost 12 lbs,, and two pant sizes.. and thats exciting) It helps my gender presentation match my Gender Identity. Theres so much more.. but can I ever explain these things to people? NO! gah!

Im feeling alot more confident in public lately too.. I more often than not get sirred, even after I talk.. which is great! And at work I think people are coming around.. disreguarding people complaining about my wrong bathroom useage People have just been very cool. And im not thought of as a 15 year old guy so much either.. like someone was in shock when I told them I was only 19 and then they said well i think its cus of your persona and the way you carry yourself.. which made me smile.. good to know im not immature all of the time.. and that I can act like an adult if I want to..

But I guess this is the big update.. more than Ive thought to write in a while actually.. :-) Ciao!

February 10, 2006-

Well today marks six months. And since my last update I feel like not much has happened. Then again.. it has been a month since my last shot. I did however get a refil which Ive not yet picked up. I have no insurance anymore and so its going to cost me 102 dollers. Which I can pay but its depressing. So Im waiting until wednesday to do so. My doc increased my frequency. I will still take 100ml , but instead of two weeks its every ten days. Which Im perfectly okay with.

Ive decided to make the best of this all though and go to the gym. Ive been going everyday pretty much , with a set workout. and that makes me proud. Ive also got a new picture, which is pretty decent photo.. a few new pictures actually I might just post them. I think Ive gotten a bad case of a.d.d cus Ive been trying to write this for an hour now.. So maybe tommorow Ill upadte more.

April 22 2006 So apparently Im really bad at updating. But I promise I will post a butt load of pictures soon. In recent news though.. I have been invaded by this acne problem, not on my face though.. mostly on my sholders. Im sort of concerned with it though because It is pretty bad and its kind of painful. Ive also learened that I can use many commas and periods without actually creating a sentance.

My libito is kind of down these days. And I dont know why but I suppose its not a bad thing. Its not completly wiped out, its just not as high as it was. Now, instead of masturbating twice a day I only do it once. So its just half as much as it used to be.

I have been working out a ton and loosing lots of weight which is a plus. In august when I started t I was 228 lbs and now Im down to 178 so thats a good amount of weight. Ive noticed my pants are alot more loose in the waist and im wearing large shirts these days instead of xL. The only thing with the shirts is that they fit much better around the gut area.. but my sholders are much broader these days and they dont fit as well there.

In other news, facial hair seems to come in at a faster increase these days. Im able to get partial side burns which im sure only I can see.. and chin stubble in an alarmingly sketchy way.

but i suppose this is it for now.. not much to report! but please forgive my a.d.d

October 8, 2006 After roughly six months of not having internet I am back to keep this thing updated. I never actually Made a year update due to lack of concentration or lack of interest. Ive not had any motivation in the last four months to do anything, muchless, update a websight Im not sure people are even reading.

But in all honesty, I did promise myself I'd do this for a reminder of how far Ive come along this road. I must say, I have come a long way, and it hasnt been easy all year long, infact, this year has been one of the toughest years Ive come across, and not even completely because of transitioning but a whole assortment of things. Transitioning has infact been apart of that though.

This year I have been grappling with things like faith, and my mother. Which the two probably go hand in hand ;-). I have been active in seeking some sort of spiritual solace. Some place with God. I have found that the Churches I once attended who always welcomed me with open arms close their doors to me. The ones I have found that do welcome me, I dont quite feel comfortable with, or don't preach the things I believe to be true. I know that faith and church, will always be a struggle for me, however, I would like to find some sense of community in my faith, people who welcome me, and I can feel comfortbale being welcomed by. This is sort of a double negative for me, I think probably because the things I believe to be true, are also in the same places as the things that I can no longer believe to be true based on my own life experience. I didnt choose to be trans, I only chose not to be miserable the rest of my life.

Then theres my mother. I love my mother very much, but she makes it so incredibly hard sometimes to like her. I know shes struggling in her own ways to find some sort of comfortability with me, and I know shes really seeking answers within herself too. I wish I could just tell her she didnt make me this way, and she didnt do anything wrong, and have her understand what Im trying to say to her. I wish that we could just move on from everything. But I know there is still a long way for her to go in order to be comfortable with me.

To her credit though, there have been two instanes in the last few months that have really shown me that she is trying. And that makes me content for the while.

With whats been going on physically and mentally, Im not sure theres much more from the last time I updated really. As you might see in recent picture updates( when i say recent I mean, im currently doing this and that at the same time) My body has changed so so much. My sholders are broader, my jaw has squared. I have facial hair now! ;-). This is all very very exciting to me! Its smaller changes that happen more now. Progressivly. Im okay with progressive, it doesnt send me into shock factor and I dont have to deal with so much happening at once. Recently, my hairline has started to recede. Im not sure how i feel about that, but I can say it probably helps in the passing department. Passing is not something Im ever worried about these days. These days its more like Im worried about being outed, or pointed out. I dont need that kind of attention. Its not healthy or safe for me in the instances it might happen.

I have been living in Portland since June and I gotta say.. I love it here. I live with a great bunch of people and theres a trans community actually in Portland. Not just me and maybe two other trans people, I mean a community. However, I have become one of the biggest jerks in the past few months. I really need to not be such a jerk. I've blown off or ignored friends that I really care about. I have not been the best communicator. And I have said or done some pretty hurtful things to some people. This is nothing Im proud of, infact its somethign I want to change. I want to be a better friend. From what I hear, guys can turn into jerks when they start t.. and i dont want to use this for an excuse. So im just going to fess up to being a big one.

I suppose this is the most I can really think of right now. I will get better at this! bye for now!

October 11, 2006

January 21, 2007

So I know im terrible at updating this journal. Simply because Im too lazy and I dont have time really. But since the last update some stuff has taken place.

First off, I got my name changed! Finally. As of Decemeber 1st, 2006. So im super excited and relieved that it is out of the way and taken care of. Next is chest surgery, which is another thing.. I once again have to push back the date.. I simply dont have the funds right now and some other personal things have been happening reguarding my family and my own life.

This past year or so I have been having some major problems with my health. Some heavy cramping, like period cramps , only intensified more.. but i've not bled. I had been to three dr's who all were very rude to me and ignorant of my process which I tried to explain to all of them.. So i finally went to my regular doc. (whom i was trying to keep a separate realtionship with because im still very weary of my down there bits and i dont want a reason to not like him)

So he sent me for a pelvic ultra sound.. which came up clean.. and then he did an exam.. and he still doesnt know whats wrong with me.. So hes sending me to a gyn who knows about trans issues and might be able to help me out. Hes suggesting I have a hysto. Which my insurance would cover because is "neccessary" surgery. And I think right now Im okay with that.

He did however in his exam discover that I have a uti.. which i am on drugs for.. which have made me nautious. I think maybe he thought tht was my problem.. but the drugs are almost gone and Im still crampy. .. Hopefully Ill get my referral soon.

I guess thats the big stuff..

August 10, 2007

So today marks two years on testosterone. I've totally blown this off but not on purpose, my internet access comes in and out. Buuut so .. Two years! I honestly forget alot of the time that im on t. I dont but I do. Changes Changes Changes. Physical, emotional, spiritual. My body physique has definatly changed. Instead of all of my fat being on my hips, its gone straight to my belly. My weight has fluctuated alot over the past 9 months.

My backney has gotten under control. Which makes me happy.

My muscle mass has also increased.. especially in my shoulders and my biceps. I've been riding my bike everywhere and my legs have gotten much more muscular... they were already pretty muscular but are more so now.

Honestly theres not a whole lot since the last update.. Aside from the health stuff I was refferring to.. Ive gone through more medical shit in the past 6 to 8 months than I cared for. But we did come to a diagnosis.. I have colitis.. which is not caused from T but infact from other sources.. Things like my heratige contribute to it..

I cant really afford the mecations so Im holding off.. for now I can live iwth it. Because of finances also Ive been rationing my T.Im only taking 100 mg/ml every three weeks. for the last three shots atleast.. It hasnt really affected anything I dont think except maybe contributed to my weight gain and bad mood.

But I suppose I can leave you with a recent pic..

Photo taken June 20, 2007

September 18, 2007, 2007

So I think I'm going to start my period. I've been without T for a month and a half, and not because I don't want to be on it but because I haven't had the money to be able to afford my t. Its deppressing the shit out of me. Hopefully next week I will have had my shot by then.

I've been really aware lately, about how I act around men. Biological men. I compare myself to them all of the time, and I try to emulate them when I'm around them. I forget that I do pass as a guy and as a straight guy, but In my head I don't act straight enough around guys, and I'm not as masculine. And then I feel so comfortable around women.

In my new job, I am known as Charley, and not as my birth name. No one, except my friend who I told months ago, knows. Its really great to not have to be out. Before at Shaws I did have to be out, in order to use the mens rooms and in order for people to call me he and him and a guy. Becuase I hadn't changed my name at that point. But now my name is changed legally and I'm two years on T, with facial hair and a deeper voice.

Then there is at the same time, this wanting to be visible as queer but not as gay and not as a lesbian who dresses in drag. I work with alot of queer people and I want to partake in conversation and be apart of that conversation but in turn, look like that really cool liberal straight person. It irritates me and at the same time its kind of comforting. So i'm on a fence.

I guess there was more to say and maybe I can elaborate lately but this is whats up for me

October 20, 2008-

I have pretty much entirely neglected to update anything here. But to be perfectly honest, theres not a major amount that I can really update on and I'm not as excited these days about milestone posts as I once was. I think in large part I am just comfortable in my own sense of masculinity and gender.

On August 4th of this year I made the major decision to have a hystorectomy. I had been suffering from severe cramps for two years at that point and there was nothing anyone could do for me. It wasn't until my gyno found a small growth on my uterus that she suggested that this may be why.

I have always thought about children and family. I think I would have had a hysto much sooner had I not thought about all of this. In the process though, I thought heavily about weather or not I could ever see myself having children through my own body. While I am a firm believer in a person being able to choose how they would like to control their own bodies, I could not honestly forsee myself baring children. I do one day hope to have children with a partner or even myself but that time is not now and that will not be through my own body. In the months since I have come to really understand this and accept my decision. I never really thought twice about having a hysto, but I have thought about it as a process all together in regards to my gender identity.

I have really been thinking about my gender identity lately and the decisions I've made in terms of hormones and presentation. In all the decisions I've made I have never thought twice about them. I feel more comfortable and more myself now, three years since beginning to physically alter my body. That for me really feels like I've made the right choices.

For me, since transitioning, I have felt increasingly more invisible in the queer community. I am assumed as a gay man most times and while I would rather someone assume I am gay than trans, I also often feel lost in a community that I once felt so apart of. In an every day world I pass as a man and often a straight man and so I don't get those nods from other queers and especially not the female bodied community, which is where I find myself wanting to be apart of. But the fact of the matter is, I am a person who passes as male and therefore I have privileges that my female friends do not.

I also feel as though I'm contradicting myself here because of the one hand feeling so comfortable in my skin now and on the other hand wanting to be visible in the queer community. But, I am queer. There is no mistake about that. Queer to me is so much more than sexual orientation, its political. I want to be apart of that.

I think there is so much I could say about the last year or so of my transition. But I will leave it at these things. I am also going to update pictures and all.

Photo Taken October 17, 2008